Letting Go

I'm curious... what feelings do those two words elicit in you? For me, it's a mixed bag.

I've let go of a lot over the last five to ten years: material items that weren't being used, relationships that no longer served me—or actually never did (energy vampires, anyone?), and ideas of what the future should hold, to name a few. In recent months, I've had to let go of expectations of what my body "should" be able to do, hobbies I can no longer enjoy (and the gear that goes with them), and my bullheaded tendency to "just work harder."

This week, however, brought one of the hardest decisions yet... letting go of my job.

I'm nearly four months into a six-month health sabbatical and—despite all of the testing, supplements, and treatments—my improvement has been nominal. Monday brought my two-month follow-up with the autoimmune specialist, and there just isn't a quick fix. More blood was drawn, more tests were ordered, and it will likely result in adding more medications to the stack. While the progesterone addition has aided in getting better sleep, I still wake up every day feeling like I didn't sleep at all.

I previously mentioned how some of my minerals and hormone ratios are off: my ferritin levels are extremely low (despite being a heavy consumer of red meat), my estrogen is too high, and my progesterone is far too low (to hit the ideal 10:1 ratio with an estrogen level of 190, my progesterone should be 19—but I'm sitting at 1.5). On top of that, my body is producing so little cortisol that I'm operating around the clock on levels lower than where I should be while sleeping. The result? I'm living a sloth life, barely able to complete a mundane task without needing to rest afterward. And I won't even get started on the brain fog and memory loss!

To show you what this looks like in practice: recent days brought unusually high temps to our area, and a friend reached out to invite me to the river with her, her son, and his friend. Sitting by the river visiting with a friend would be a great way to calm my system—supportive conversation, fresh air, and the sound of flowing water. My only question was, "Is there shade available?" The answer was no, so I couldn't go.

One of the autoimmune symptoms I'm "enjoying" is a severe sensitivity to heat. Even a mildly warm shower brings on a painful, itchy rash. Sitting in direct sun for more than a couple of minutes? Not happening. And cold temperatures? Stiffness in my shoulders, elbows, spine, hips, and feet. So, I've basically turned into an ambient-temperature Goldilocks. If you know me well, you know I can't stand high-maintenance things: landscaping, vehicles, people, etc. It would seem, however, that my body has become extremely high maintenance. Maybe that's why it pisses me off so badly.

Which brings me back to work. I've been at my company for 11 years and have spent the last six years working for the best boss I've had in my employment history. I was supported, empowered, trusted, and valued. The company is a third-generation, family-owned business that prides itself on quality work, employee satisfaction, and sincere care for the communities in which it operates. Saying goodbye to that is heartbreaking. But... I couldn't continue to keep my boss, team, or company hanging in limbo when I have no idea what the outcome of this situation will be—much less the timeline.

I've had to let go of a lot in my life, as I'm sure you have, but this week has left me feeling defeated. And it's only Wednesday. Will it get better? Yes, I'm sure it will. But I'm not going to lie to myself—or you—and say there aren't days where I'm tired of the fight. Days where I'm going to sit on the couch in my pajamas and have a pity party, longing for my health to return. Because, much like you, I'm a human—with very human feelings—who at times struggles with letting go.