Help or Hinder

A couple of months ago, I visited a dear friend of mine. She lives two hours away from me now, so we don’t get to see each other as often as we’d like, but our time together is always special. Our last visit, though, was a little different.

My friend has dealt with severe health issues for a few years now—severe enough that she’s had to cut way back on work, personal obligations, and most of the fun stuff. Just getting through day-to-day tasks has become extremely difficult for her. As we were sitting together discussing our shared pains and frustrations, it dawned on me how difficult it is for women to say "no."

I hate to generalize, and I’m certainly not implying that men don’t struggle with this, but 99% of the people in my world who carry this burden are women. Is it really any surprise, then, that chronic stress takes such a heavy physical toll? Or that women are far more likely to develop autoimmune disorders, with cardiovascular disease remaining our number one killer?

* By the numbers:

• Lupus: ~ 9:1 female-to-male ratio

• Hashimoto’s disease: ~ 9:1 female-to-male ratio

• Sjogren’s syndrome: 9:1 to 19:1 female-to-male ratio

• Rheumatoid arthritis: ~ 3:1 female-to-male ratio

• Multiple sclerosis: ~ 2:1 female-to-male ratio

• Cardiovascular disease: Accounts for ~ 1 in 3 deaths in women

  
  

Now, the following thoughts are my own assumptions based on observation and experience, so there’s no obligation to agree with me.

What I’ve experienced and witnessed in my 52 years is that women are expected to do it all—and we try our damnedest. The societal expectation to be submissive, thin, the perfect wife, an amazing mother, and look 20 until we die takes a massive toll on our mental and physical health. And that’s not even the worst of it. Whether we are thin or chubby, use Botox or don't, have kids or don’t, stay at home or aspire to the C-suite, speak up or stay quiet... we’re judged. For all of it.

So, we live these lives—day after day—doing our best to be everything for everyone while quietly dying inside. We try our hardest to "do it all" to meet the standard of the perfect body, beautiful home, happy kids, satisfied partner, and successful career. And, in many cases, we succeed. For days, months, or years.

But at some point, the bill collector comes knocking. And we’re going to pay.

My autoimmune specialist told me she sees my situation often: a woman who experiences a severe or prolonged period of trauma and stress (with or without additional illness—COVID, in my case) around the time of peri/post-menopause, triggering an autoimmune event. One day you’re trucking along, churning through the muck of life and handling it all like a superhero. Then... BAM! Ding-dong, the bill collector is here and he wants your cape.

Sitting on my friend’s couch that day, we made a pact. The average adult makes approximately 35,000 decisions each day, and we agreed to ask ourselves one core question before making them: Will this help or hinder my healing?

Whether it’s a decision regarding food, purchases, activities, or obligations, we’ve agreed to pause and consider how each choice serves us:

• Are we saying yes when we mean no?

• Are we making the choice that’s easy now, but will cost us later?

• Are we choosing what is best for us, or what is best for others?

The first time I encountered that quote, I dismissed it. I was young, healthy, and strong. I saw it again after my health went to shit, and I can guarantee you... it hit a lot differently.

So, if you’re struggling with your health, will you join my friend and me in our pact? Will you listen to your heart and your body? Will you buck societal norms and do what feels right for you rather than what pleases others?

Will you give pause and truly consider your next decision—no matter how small or large—by asking yourself: Will this help or hinder my healing?

*Autoimmune Disease in Women, Heart Disease in Women